I'm a trainer first and a coach second. I studied adult learning and development in my 20s before studying HR and psychology. I've spent most of my career in and around those spaces, as well as organisational development.
Trainers are there to teach. We know the answers, and if we don't, we go and find them so we can be sure we’re teaching people the right way. I was good at it.
But because I knew that behaviour doesn’t change after attending a single workshop (no matter how amazing), I wanted to coach as well. People need someone to support them when they’re experiencing challenges, hold them accountable, keep them moving towards their goals and celebrate with when looking back on growth opportunities.
There was just one problem. A coach doesn't give the answers.
Why asking is so hard for leaders
In pure coaching, you ask questions and guide the person to find their own answers. For someone who'd trained her whole life to have the answers, that was a big shift.
Most leaders I work with are in the same spot. They got their leadership role because they had the answers. Their team still comes to them expecting answers. And now we're asking them to step back and let their people work things out for themselves.
That's a whole new skill set and mindset. There will still be times you need to teach, such as when someone is new, when a process changes, or when you're designing something together. But day to day, the goal is a team that's as confident in their own area as you are.
Put on your question-mark hat
Michael Bungay Stanier talks about taming your "advice monster", the part of you that wants to jump in and fix things. Mine needed a lot of taming.
What worked for me was a picture in my head. Whenever I am in “coach mode”, I imagined putting on a hat with a big question mark on it. It reminds me to ask, not tell. Whenever I feel the urge to give advice, I ask a question instead.
If I'm stuck for what to say, I fall back on one of these:
"That's interesting. What makes you say that?"
"What made you do that?" or "What made you think that?"
"What have you thought about so far?"
"Were you considering some options?"
"What do you think would be a good way to approach this?"
Tone matters, so keep it gentle and curious. These questions do two things at once. They give you time to work out your next step, and they help the other person think the situation through more carefully.
Over time, something shifts. Because you're not handing out answers, people start bringing you their thinking instead of their problems. Eventually they stop needing to come to you at all. When that happens, notice it and tell them you've noticed.
Coaching runs on rhythm
Asking good questions is only half of it. The other half is giving people a clear frame to work within.
That might be as simple as a delegation with a check-in: "Go and do this, and come back to me on Friday so we can talk about where you're at." You're not dumping the work on them. You're letting go with support.
In my own business, that frame is our routine. We set our strategic goals once a year, check them each quarter, and meet weekly to talk about priorities and workloads. Our regular tasks live in our project management system with owners and dates, and we write down how we do things as we go. That rhythm is the safety net. When I'm away, the weekly meeting still happens without me, and the team knows they can make a call if they're not sure.
I'm now taking the majority of the last week of every month away from client work to plan and develop the business, and the team only contacts me if something really isn't working. My aim is to be more needed for direction and standards, and less essential day to day.
Clear is kind
Coaching isn't only asking questions. It also means being clear about what good looks like, and giving honest feedback when someone isn't there yet.
As Brené Brown puts it, clear is kind. I once heard a leader say that if she didn't give her team feedback on where they could improve, she was telling them they didn't matter, because they would eventually be sidelined as people worked around them. Being clear about expectations, standards and timelines, and supporting people to meet them, is how a coach shows their team that they matter.
Where to start
Pick one conversation this week where you'd normally give the answer. Put on your question-mark hat and ask instead. Then notice what your team comes up with.
If you'd like a clearer picture of where you're still the one with all the answers, our free Leadership Impact Audit shows where you're still the bottleneck and what's limiting your leadership. It comes with a free 45-minute debrief with me and a personal Momentum Roadmap of your next best steps.